Copatos / Matt: A Bit of Copatos
How can anything be so lastingly high and wonderfull and at the same time be so filled with fear and horror?
The things that I loved about Morningland were the Vision and the Healing. I even accepted the visions of the darkness, because you can't have one without the other. Then there was the part I suppressed, because I couldn't deal with it. The constant fear, the mind numbing pain that I experienced most of the time I was a disciple. At one point in the last two years of my discipleship I really thought I had it, I was growing faster and faster, getting closer and closer to the Master. Then they put me in a group that was supposed to accelerate all of us into the higher mind. That was the end of all the wonderfull momentum I'd built. It was like riding a giant wave at Wiamia, then suddenly going over the falls in super slow motion to slowly crash into the reef below and be ripped to shreds. I was never givin any explanation as to why I fell like that, no one told me why I failed, they just made sure that I knew that I did. After that I felt more and more ostrasized from the group. I went from the center of all the action, to being totally rejected and being shoved to the outside, without ever really knowing why. That process took nearly a year, it was a long slow painfull dragging pull over that sharp hard reef. During that time I was treated worse and worse by nearly everyone in Morningland. They acted as if I was the worst disciple in the world, like I just didn't get it, Iike I betrayed them, Like I was a Traitor! The thing is, that I betrayed no one! The only thing that I was guilty of, was doing everything in my power to 'get' what the Master was teaching and become part of the group, even after that horrible fall!
At the end of that year things were so bad that I spent most of my time staying away from Morningland. I even avoided Sunday Oneness Service, I caught a lot of shit for doing that. I felt that I was going to catch a lot of shit anyways, so I kept away anyhow. At the end of that year I was so far outside the circle of oneness that I found myself in a small class being held by the back door in the galley. I went through the humiliation of that class with the other rejects for a few sessions then, I knew what to do. On April 21, 1985, in that class, I told someone who, in the whole time I was in Morningland, was always one of my best friends. I told Gopi Saravati that I was going nowhere here. That I was only in the way. I stood up and handed them my medallion. They took it and bowed to me, and I bowed back. We both said "Namaste.", and I told them I would always be their friend, they looked me long in the eye, and I know they knew that I meant it. Then I turned around and walked out the galley door. That was one of the hardest and scariest things that I've ever done in my life.
When I got home from the tumultuous walk away from Morningland, I was sitting in my apartment trying to make sense of it all and trying to figure out what I was going to do next, when I looked at Donatos picture. As clear as day I saw an aura around his picture! I knew right there that I was still with the Master, and that they're with me! Since then the Vision and Healing have continued, I've had many dreams with them. I've walked upstairs with the Master experiencing Heaven, and I've been in the lowest pits of Lucifers dungens having to fight my way out, and everywhere inbetween. You can laugh and tell me I'm full of shit, and that I'm making things up, but these things are true, I've lived them. Well there's part of my story, Dorie, you can put it in the archives if you want. Norma, thank you for helping me to bring it out.
Matt Hill
(Copatos)
