July Astromedy
June 20 is the Summer Solstice -- Visions of Druids dance in our heads. Most of you know it as the first day of summer. Astronomically, it is the day when the earth, trundling along its elliptical orbit, is at its most distant point from the sun.
I think it is significant that the very day earth swings out so far from the security of the Sun is also the first day of Cancer. It's as if Cancer gets that whirling feeling in the pit of her stomach and starts running back home. Yup, you got it. The Summer Solstice is the zenith of planetary separation anxiety.
Just as the tides and the moon (also ruled by Cancer) affect our moods, so does the Solstice. The cure for our archetypal anxiety? In classic Cancerian form, we assuage our collective unconscious with rich, soothing chocolate, the primal comfort food.
Chocolate consumption and preferences is an area needing urgent astrological analysis, and it's a good thing I'm around to provide it. First, I did some research and found a column on iVillage on this very topic by astrologer Kelli Fox. In many areas, Ms. Fox is right on, but I'm not buying her "astrological insight" on the way each Sun Sign craves and consumes chocolate. Here are Kelli's comments, followed by my corrections:
Aries eats all of the chocolates in one sitting.
Correction: Aries just eats ALL the chocolates. Aries also sticks his or her finger in all the chocolates, totally oblivious to the fact that there are OTHER people who might like an un-poked chocolate.
Taurus tends to buy two boxes and leave only the orange ones for you.
Correction: Taurus has a Godiva Chocolates affinity MasterCard and isn't afraid to use it. He sends you a gift certificate from the Macy's chocolate counter for all major holidays. Since orange is one of Taurus' favorite colors, it's highly unlikely you'll ever actually SEE one.
Gemini makes their chocolate choice by sticking their finger in each piece.
No no no. Mr. Pokey was already exposed (see Aries). Geminis, however, are fond of M&Ms because they don't melt in your hands. They love to get a big glass bowl and fill them with the regular, crunchy, peanut and almond M&Ms. They still have nightmares about '70s rock stars who would only eat ONE kind of M&Ms.
Cancer draws it out to make even the smallest box last for a month.
Nice try, but wrong. Cancer buys out the See's After-Christmas Sale and keeps the treasure cool in the cellar, enabling her to economically celebrate Christmas year-round. Cancer has multiple stashes, and is incredibly creative about hiding them from the rest of the family.
Leo likes to own all the chocolates first.
Correction: Leo expects to be GIVEN chocolates. Expensive chocolates. Leo judges you on the opulence of your gift and thinks the perfect tribute, er, token, is a diamond ring presented in an elegant, gift-wrapped truffle box.
Virgo cuts their chocolates up into small, manageable bites with a knife and fork.
Oh Puleeeeeese. No one does that! Virgos, in fact, are the ones who skip chocolates altogether -- they prefer a box of carob and raisin health bars. They have memorized the nutrition label on the package and can tell you the difference in grams of fat and calories. If you let them start talking, they'll even tell you what chocolate does in your intestinal tract. Euuuuuuuu.
Libra chooses two boxes of chocolates, white and dark; one for you, one for them.
Correction: Libra made a choice? I don't THINK so. She bought four one pound boxes, divided precisely between soft-centers and chewy/nuts, one for herself, one for you, and two to keep in the cupboard because you just never know when you'll need a thoughtful thank-you for someone's kindness.
Scorpio can't resist rubbing the chocolates all over their partner and licking it off.
Yeah, ok. This one was very close. But Scorpio doesn't go for chocolates. Nope - Scorpio's choice is slightly heated Hershey's Chocolate Syrup, chilled whipped cream and a, um, healthy appetite.
Sagittarius only orders foreign chocolates.
In my experience, Sagittarius will eat ANY kind of chocolate. It's not WHAT they eat, but HOW they get it. Sagittarius wakes you up early Saturday morning and says, "Hey! Let's get some Ghiradelli chocolate!" This doesn't mean going to LAX and getting some from the gift shop. It means driving up Highway One at very unsafe speeds in the little yellow Alfa-Romeo with the top down, buying a case of chocolates at Ghiradelli Square, goofing on the tourists at Fisherman's Wharf, careening across town to drop in unannounced on some of your old friends still living in a flat in the Haight, crashing on their hide-a-bed with "Che" the dog, being first in line at Doidges for Sunday brunch, belching goodbye, then blasting down 101 to grab some barbecue in Santa Maria and still get home in time for StarTrek reruns at midnight.
Capricorn seeks perfection in picking truffles of the best variety.
Possibly. Personally, I think Capricorn orders bricks of imported Italian chocolate and patiently uses Martha Stewart's sterling silver chocolate fork to make perfectly sized "chips" for a variety of elegant recipes from Bon Appetite.
Aquarius skips chocolates altogether -- they prefer a box of carob and raisin health bars.
As already discussed, Virgo is the carob consumer. You possibly already figured out that Aquarius is in the passenger seat of Sag's yellow Alfa, draining a thermos of Peet's coffee and eating the Ghiradelli semi-sweet bars, watching California's scenic wonders zip by at 90 mph.
Pisces tends to share them all and forget to leave one for themselves.
Never! Don't you remember the year Pisces bought you a Whitman's Sampler for your birthday, but then got really depressed watching the evening news, and began to nibble one little chocolate from your box, then lost track of time and "came to" about 3 a.m. covered in little paper wrappers? That was the year all you got was the "sorry I forgot your birthday" card smeared with chocolatey finger prints.
