Dear Saravati,
Since that day I ran into you and Oona Ali at Starbuck's I have been thinking on and off about our conversation. I really wanted to explain to you why I had stopped attending Morningland sessions, but I wasn't very successful. And I was really unsatisfied with "… it's not for everyone…" because it ignores my long history with Morningland. Had it never been for me and I just didn't get that, or had something changed so that it was no longer for me? Had I changed, or had Morningland changed? I am still not fully satisfied with the answers I have come up with, but I am really making progress.
The truth seems to be that both Morningland and I had changed. I had changed in many ways; I believe that I had changed mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I had gained a great deal of experience that had enhanced my wisdom and maturity and bolstered my confidence. You noticed that right away, but later on I was in a session with aspirants and returnees like myself in which Oona and Vajra, in response to my question, told me that I was spiritually exactly where I had been when I was put on sabbatical. All in power treated me as if I were less than that, and I believed that I was more.
My feelings about Sri changed while I was there as well. I had always found her unapproachable, but was fully devoted to her and loved her deeply. Upon my return, although I felt welcomed and embraced by you, I felt Sri's disdain. She seemed to have little or no respect for me; every time she spoke to me I felt insulted. Even in that first healing audience, she welcomed Melissa home with embraces, and thanked me for bringing her back. I often felt that the reason I was welcomed was that I brought Melissa with me…. And I became concerned about Melissa. What did Sri have in mind for her?
But mostly, I missed the community that I had known and loved in the 80's. I missed the close association with other disciples. I missed having people to talk to about my experiences. I found that I was only supposed to see other disciples at the temple and on journeys into the community to seek out new people to recruit. And I missed classes where something was taught. It seems that most of the time I spent at Morningland during my second time around was spent trying to decide what the most effective strategy would be to recruit more membership… and how much to charge them for the privilege of learning about Morningland. It seemed to be all about money.
And then, Madison was born…. I wanted to call the temple as soon as I heard that something was wrong… but as I mentioned at Starbuck's, protocol prevented that. I didn't even have the phone numbers of disciples I could call to tell about my concern, and therefore nobody to understand when I wanted to celebrate Maddy's recovery. To me, this is not the way a spiritual community should run. Fellowship is as important to spiritual life as ceremony. One needs to feel that one belongs and is cherished. One wants to be nurtured when in need, and to give nurture to others in need.
Beyond that, my understanding of the reality of oneness has really changed. We are all one. That is a reality, not an experience. It is true even physically. God made all that is from his own substance. We are not only all one, we are all God. Physical matter is an illusion, the result of a whole huge matrix of probability patterns containing minute amounts of substance. Those bits of matter, atoms, are constantly traveling, not only within the objects we see, but also between them. As I am sitting typing this letter, atoms are traded between my arms and the table they rest on. When we leave this earthly illusion, we will be irresistibly drawn into total awareness of this union. It is not something we must learn or earn. No guru is needed to make it happen. It is real. You know this. But you seem to cherish it like a secret.
Sri said, or was it Donato? "If you like what you see, you can do it too…. And do it better." That is true… and I can do what I like omitting what I don't like. That seems to be what I have done all my life. I have found truth in Morningland. I have also found truth in Mormonism, and in Catholicism, and in school. But mostly I have found truth in experience. I know that we are all one and all god, and that which is god in me truly bows to that which is god in you with love and respect, and longing for fellowship.
Love and Namaste'
Jane